I can honestly say that if we hadn't figured out what was wrong with CM1 that would have been the end of our marriage. It was finding out what was causing his issues that helped us get over the rough patch. It is a rough patch when you have a child who could read before they were two and yet couldn't talk or play well with others. Meanwhile everyone was telling you NOT to worry. "He's a boy. He just needs to mature. You need to stop babying him..." But all along you knew something was just not right. We had more arguments concerning CM1 during those early years then we have ever had in our entire marriage. But once we had the name for it and once we had a direction then we knew what we had to do and we would be damned if it wasn't going to get done.
Autism doesn't cause the dissolution of marriages, people cause the dissolution of marriages. If you had a strong marriage before the diagnosis you have a strong marriage after the diagnosis. All autism does, as any major event would do, is show you the cracks that were already there. Believe me when I say fighting for the future of your child (ren) is one hell of a bonding experience. It lets you know exactly who you are and who you are married to as well.
When hubby and I were married, we signed a traditional Jewish marriage certificate called a ketubah. It sets out the rights and obligations of the couple during the marriage. In truth I have no idea what it says per se, accept that overall it requires that you be kind to each other and remember that the other person comes first in your marriage.
The ketubah is the centerpiece of a Jewish home. As such it has a central location in our house over the mantel in our family room. It is the first thing a guest will see when they walk through the front door of our home.
Next to the ketubah is actually some Chinese symbols reminding us that in a home there should be tranquility, happiness, harmony and love. No, neither of us are from an Asian background, I just thought it was tremendous wisdom. Together all these ideas form a spiritual basis to go forward together.
So don't listen to the doom and gloom purveyors of trash...for that is exactly what it is..simply trash. Put it in a garbage dump along with your other refuse and get about being happily married and raising your family.
As far as us tonight...catered in dinner and some really good champagne.....
Until next time,
Elise
Go HERE to read about the autism-divorce rate myth.
You're right Elise. There is no way that autism could cause a strong marriage to crumble. My wife and I had a hard time understanding that our son had Asperger's, but it didn't break us. In fact, it made us stronger as a team. And now thiongs are a lot better for all of us, even Jacob. Staying together and positive, has a way of making autism a lot easier.
ReplyDeleteI love the feel of your home just reading about it. Congratulations on 30 years! D
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your anniversary! So glad you guys are a strong team for your boys. I wish that's how it could have been for me and my son, but it wasn't. Being a team is the key and not placing blame. My son wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until 8th grade and I was divorced when he was in 4th grade. We spent all those years not knowing and it played a huge part in our fights. So sad because it really doesn't have to be that way at all.
ReplyDeleteIt is still better to be in a happy home then with two unhappy parents. When a parent is happy they do alot better job of parenting. Whether your marriage survived or not has no reflection on what kind of parent you happen to be.It is also not a reflection on what kind of spouse you might have been either. Truth be told, sometimes marriages really do not work out through noones fault.It really just doesn't work. It happens.
DeleteI was just trying to stem the fear that so many newly-dxed-families feel when they get whiff of that urban myth.I wasn't trying to cast aspersion on anyone. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
No hurt feelings at all. You are a great role model for other couples who have children on the spectrum. To let them know it isn't all doom and gloom and things can work out if you pull together as a team. It's so important. I agree with you about a happy home too. I hung in for 5 years of fighting trying to make it work and it just wasn't going to. The peace that came afterwards was so much better for everybody. Still ALWAYS better for the children if you can make it work without arguing.
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